February 23, 2010

just some ramblings

I find myself thinking all the time of a new life. I'm not at all satisfied in my marriage for a number of reasons, in fact, we haven't acted like a married couple at all for nearly 2 years and neither of us has worn our wedding rings in that amount of time either. There are a lot of reasons why but I'm at the point now where I just want it over and will do what it takes to get it that way.

Respect is a major issue. I ask him to do something and it never gets done. The kids see this and think it's ok. It's not. I'm not only stressed because I'm so miserable in this relationship but school isn't helping much either. We have PEPP next Monday, we start our trauma mod in 2 wks, and I still need 40 calls to be done on the ambulance. When I'm stressed I eat. My weight is getting ridiculous. So I'm stressed about that. My house looks like a bomb went off. I clean every day and if I leave for whatever reason it's always back to the way it was no matter how long I was gone.

Quilting is my stress relief. Sometimes it causes stress but that I can walk away from, it can't talk back.

I've already made up my mind to leave. Some things need to happen before I can do that (like getting my medic license and finding a job), I'm already dreaming of having a house that doesn't look (or sound) like a war zone. I'm going to take very few things with me because I have very little attachment to it. Most of what comes will belong to the kids.

Most of all I'm looking forward to being happy, something I haven't been in many years.

only 12 more weeks of school!!!

7 comments:

  1. Good luck to you!! You have the strength to do this, and trust me it's really not that bad.... I've been there, done that. Sounds like you've made up your mind so my fingers are crossed that everything comes together for you. Yaaaa for independent women!

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  2. I'm sorry. Things will get better, hang in there! {{{{HUGS}}}}

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  3. I have two children with autism, and I quilt to help with my stress too.

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  4. Hi Audrey, I just found your blog and read it from the beginning. Like the name. It sounds like you are a strong woman and can do what ever you set your mind to. I wish you the best in the future and hope your plans will come true soon. I am in awe of anyone in the medical field. I cannot stand to look at a needle and an IV in me just about causes me to pass out. I ran a sewing machine needle thru my finger one time and yelled so loud I woke my hubby and made him pull it thru with a tweezers. I agree with you also about not being a full time mom at home. I could not be home all day with my 3 kids every day all day. I'd go nuts!! But for some it works, and that's good for them. We all need to find out what is good for us. I wish you luck and send you {{HUGS}}

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  5. Hi Audrey,
    I know what you are going through, just keep focused on what you have to do to for you and your children. When you get down just think that you really do have a goal. Quilting is a great stress relief except when you know you should be doing something else. Don't let that happen. Do what you can do (housework) and try to stay away from the war zone if you can.
    I will be praying for you and your family.
    Elaine

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  6. Take it one day at a time!!! Sounds like you have a plan in action, stay the course. Level head and common sense, not always easy but, it is what you need to do! Quilt, quilt, quilt... I know you can be strong.

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  7. I wish you all the best! Things will work out the way they are supposed to. You are doing the right thing!! ♥

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